We met up at someone's house and we started talking. The kids were still small and for some reason I didn't know where you were. After talking you told me you didn't actually love me like you had told me. I couldn't understand but ended up fighting with you. I eventually told you that since you were not with me any longer that I had no reason to stay and was going to move away.
When I woke up my chest was killing me and I was crying and trying to catch my breath. Rachel heard me and asked what I was laughing about. I was able to muster up a the ability to tell her nothing and to go back to bed. I lay there quietly and wiped my eyes.
What the hell does God want from me? Why won't this stop?
I'm tired of being tired all the time. I am tired of my chest (and the rest of me for that matter) hurting. I'm tired of being alone even in a room full of people. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the thrid wheel on a two wheel vehicle. I'm tired of everything. I know that I have a future but I don't see it. I want to prepare for the future but it's hard to prepare for something that you don't know is going to happen. I can't find anything to get excited (or happy) about. I'm tired of coming home and staring at the wall. I know I am doing it but I just can't get the drive up to do anything.
When ever someone does come around (usually when they want something) I get frustrated. I get pissed off a bit and just want to toss them out of the house.
I think if it wasn't for Rachel, I wouldn't stick around. I want away from this one way or another.
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