Here we go again

I had another f'king dream. I just woke up after dreaming that we were at home and you would only talk to the kids. You acted like I wasn't even there. I kept wanting to beg you to stay with me and I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong. I ended up punching a whole in the wall.

When I woke up I went to find you. I was almost out the bedroom door when I realized reality.

I have a headache now and I feel like a balloon that is blown up beyond its capacity. My eyes hurt, my chest hurts.

Just remembered...

A few weeks ago I rode the motorcycle to "Thunder on the Beach" in Panama City Beach. I found that for a brief moment I was actually having fun. I was in a crowd of well over 100 people and yet I felt like everyone was staring at me yet, no one knew I was there.

I don't know why but I started to cry. I was able to control it enough to get back to my bike.

Where to start....or stop

It has been an intresesting past view months. I woke up this morning after having one %@!$@ of a dream.

We met up at someone's house and we started talking. The kids were still small and for some reason I didn't know where you were. After talking you told me you didn't actually love me like you had told me. I couldn't understand but ended up fighting with you. I eventually told you that since you were not with me any longer that I had no reason to stay and was going to move away.

When I woke up my chest was killing me and I was crying and trying to catch my breath. Rachel heard me and asked what I was laughing about. I was able to muster up a the ability to tell her nothing and to go back to bed. I lay there quietly and wiped my eyes.

What the hell does God want from me? Why won't this stop?

I'm tired of being tired all the time. I am tired of my chest (and the rest of me for that matter) hurting. I'm tired of being alone even in a room full of people. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the thrid wheel on a two wheel vehicle. I'm tired of everything. I know that I have a future but I don't see it. I want to prepare for the future but it's hard to prepare for something that you don't know is going to happen. I can't find anything to get excited (or happy) about. I'm tired of coming home and staring at the wall. I know I am doing it but I just can't get the drive up to do anything.

When ever someone does come around (usually when they want something) I get frustrated. I get pissed off a bit and just want to toss them out of the house.

I think if it wasn't for Rachel, I wouldn't stick around. I want away from this one way or another.

Watermelon

I cut open a watermelon tonight. I started to cut it off the rind, remove the seeds, and put it in a bowl. Part of the way through I realized what I was doing and that I only did that for you.

Exceptions

There are 2 exceptions to the last post.

However, neither one is family.

Goes to show, you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends.

I guess 2 good ones out of dozens is probably very lucky.

Grrrrrr.....

I hate having to ask people for help. You always knew what I needed before I did.

It has gotten to the point that I just want to do without.

Every time I ask someone for help they are willing to give it. With strings attached.

The only time anyone calls or visits they want something from me.

Nobody comes by or calls just to say hi.

Me being the idiot, I give or loan to them.

I miss having you to rely on. I hate being the only one.

5 bad dreams all over again

I had 5 dreams about you last night. I was hoping things were getting better but I am lonely. I can handle being alone but I can't handle feeling lonely. I'm starting to feel like a third wheel in everything I do.

In a room full of people I feel like I stand out but no one see's me. When they do it is just to point out my faults.

I'm tired. I physically hurt. I just wish it would all stop.

First good dream

I had my first good dream of you last night. We sat and talked until I woke up.

I still don't know what I am supposed to do. What should I focus on for my future? Where will my life lead after Rachel is grown. First I was planning to pay everything off and hit the road in the rv after Rachel is 18. Then, I was planning to fix up the house and stick around. Now, I have considered doing something else I won't post.

Ahh, life, what a bitch.

What does the future hold? Will there be a future? Hmmmmmmmm.........

Why?

Panic Attack

I think I had a panic attack tonight.

I was sitting here at the computer and felt something funny in my chest. I started freaking out because I thought I might be getting ready to have (or in the middle of) a heart attack. I didn't tell anyone, I just took Rachel down to the grandparents house just in case. The decision to go was after about 10 mins. after it started and I felt like I was getting light headed. I stayed there until it went away.

I guess I realize that my so called feeling of "Euphoria" with the idea of dieing and going to be with you isn't really what I want. I was so scared that I was getting ready to die and I'm not ready. I've got to much living left to do.

I think I may take Rachel away in the RV Saturday if nothing more than just one night. I need to get away from here and relax.

Anniversary Today.

It's been one year, 1 hour to the day that you died.

I woke up 20 mins. ago and I got up and started to go find you. I was wondering why you weren't in bed. It took a second to figure it out. I thought things were going okay but I just want to go somewhere and die. Rachel woke up when she heard me moving about. She asked what was wrong but I don't have the heart to tell her what is "wrong with you daddy". She is pretty good at telling when I am thinking of you.

She is looking more and more like you every single day. She is trying to act more and more like me everyday.

I want to take her out today but I also just want to go get plastered until I forget who I am. It's a good thing I have her here. I am so tired of living without you. There are times that I actually get excited when I think about, if I die I can go be back with you. It's funny. I feel like I did as a kid on Christmas day just before I opened my gifts then I realize how wrong I am and its back to sucking.

Today should be interesting. I miss having you to talk to. I miss having you to listen to my thoughts verbalized as part of my thinking process. I never realized until yesterday that part of my learning process is to talk it out. I did what I would do with you over the phone and evidently some people don't get it. I guess I'll have to withdraw from people at work and find a new way to learn. I don't know if I am pissed off at them or just finding a new way to let it out.

Well, I'm going to go now, I think I am about to stop crying.

I love you Jen. I'm working on you God.

1 year aniversary approaches

I miss talking to you.

I miss hugging you.

I miss rubbing your feet.

I miss leaning on you.

I miss your jokes.

I miss you.