Bad day, good day

Yesterday started out as a bad day but I believe ended in a good day. I was on my way into work and everything seemed to just "hit" me all of the sudden. In the past seven months (mostly the first month) I found that I can understand why a person gets so low that they would think suicide is a better option than living with the pain. Yesterday was the first time that I actually thought how much easier it would be just to "do it".

Now, I do not have plans to do anything but I really thought about how much easier it would be just to give up and die. I am tired of feeling like a yo-yo. I can go from feeling really good to really bad. It seems that the really bad is getting more frequent but the really good is fading to a less than good. The question I have for myself is, "If a person knows they are feeling this way and that it is wrong or at least not good, why do they continue to do it?" I mean if you have a splinter in your hand it hurts. You don't leave it in place and suffer. You pick it out and move on. So, how do you get rid of despair and move on?

So, the good day came when I realized I need to talk to a shrink and possibly get on some medications. I say good day because maybe this is the help I need. Guess I'll see.

Square peg in a round hole

I don't fit in anywhere. I found my square hole and now god has put me back into a world of round holes. I try to "fit in" but I don't. I have started looking into doing things that keep me solitary but engaged. I'm making my own square hole to fit in.

Overwelmed and lonely

I've been overwelmed with everything I have to do day by day. Work (paid job) is a vacation away from life. I hang around after work until everyone else leaves in a desprate attempt to, I don't know, stay busy, connect with someone, or just to keep from going home. I find myself angry so much when I am at home. I don't want to talk to anyone but I'm lonely for contact.

I miss having physical contact with anyone. I miss having a woman to hold and talk to. There are so many things I have to say and don't have anyone that I feel close enough to to talk about it. Most of it is stupid but it's nice to be able to say it and have someone I love and trust to tell me it's stupid.

I slept alone last night and kept trying to cuddle up against someone. I never realized how much I need that warm body next to me. My daughter has been sleeping in my bed and last night was the first time I made her sleep in her own room. I stayed up all night until I was sure she was asleep.

I'm listening to music from "my time" and I think its funny how I am just now hearing the words. Everything reminds me of how fucked up I feel and how screwed my life is. Makes me wonder what the hell the point is. I don't know what is worse. Wanting someone too love or not wanting to ever feel this way again. Love, I think, is Gods joke on humanity. Something that is so hard to get, feels so good, makes you want to die when it's gone. Why didn't she just go to the doctor?

Blessing in disguise

Today was a hard day. I hit a dog while riding my motorcycle into work at 6:30 am. It was dark and I didn't see it until I was up on it. I was able to swerve and miss the dog with the bike but I still hit it with my leg. I hit it so hard that I got stool on my pants and my bike. While riding in and in pain I kept thinking how much I wanted to call home. But, there isn't anyone there.

I spent most of the day at work feeling down. I wanted so bad to call home and talk to my wife.

Then tonight I went to bed and my daughter fell asleep before me. I laid there looking at her while she was asleep and realized I was looking at a "mini Jen". She looked and acted just like my wife did in her sleep. Including kicking me. :)

When will I stop thinking about it all.

This is a draft form 9-23-08 that I forgot to publish.



I woke this morning just like everyother morning except this time I realized something. Everytime I get up I am thinking of Jennifer. Everyday I am alone I end up thinking of her. I was in Four Winds eating yesterday when the waitress came over and told me to smile. She started to ask what was wrong but I don't think she truly wants to know. A bit later a couple with their kids walked in. I hated the reminder of what I lost.




I'm thinking now, when will I start moving on?

Am I being fair?

I am wondering if I am being fair? Here I am being down about what has happened to my life and then I remember I have a little one to look after. How is it fair for her that I am so caught up in my own misery?

What is the right thing to do? What do I need to do for her? Where are the instructions for life that tell me how to raise a girl to a good woman? How do I show I am there for her but not be a crutch?

:(

I miss my old life.

The first trip out...without

I went out to "Bikes on Broad" today with friends from work. Everything was okay but all of the sudden I felt so alone. I was among hundreds of people yet I was there all alone. I felt like I was a third wheel on a two wheel vehicle. I don't seem to feel like I fit in anywhere any longer.

I have a friend from work who I feel I have grown very close to. Ron seems to invite me to more things more often. I have been invited to his house on multiple occasions and always came up with an excuse not to go. I never have told him the truth, that is that I feel like I am in a pit and nobody can help me. Every weekend I spend it at home and end up staring at the walls. I don't know if he invites me out of pity or friendship. Either way, I wish there was a way I could tell him thankyou without sounding "needy".

Today I saw couples together and then all of the sudden a rush of despair ran over me. We were walking and looking at bikes when I just felt this extreme pressure to cry and I ran off to keep anyone from seeing me. I ended up getting something to eat and went to sit down on a large stone bench. Nobody seemed to notice me even though I was surrounded by all these people. One guy came within feet from me and was handing out leaflets to something he had going on. For some reason he decided not to approach me. Guess I'm not the picture of a biker. :)

Anyway, I am glad I was able to get out but I will be glad when this feeling of being all alone goes away. I get so self conscious around other people that I end up talking, talking, and talking about nothing at all. Then I notice when no one is paying attention. That just makes me feel more like a third wheel and I withdraw. At times like this I really miss my wife. It's like apart of me has been removed and I need it to live. She was my everything and now I am nothing.

Reflections on how my wife changed me.

I just had a phone call with a relative that normally would have turned to shouting, cursing, and threats of violence. Yes, I talked to one of my siblings. The facts behind the conversation are not as important as the results themselves.

My wife changed many things just by being apart of my life. In my younger years I was quick to judge a person based on their appearance and sexual orientation. I was for lack of a better way of putting it, A homophobe. My wife showed and taught me that I was wrong. She made a better person out of me. I know that a persons dress, orientation, sex, capabilities, nothing makes them who they are or if they are good or bad. Outwardly I would say I believed this when I was younger. But, I was one of the gang to jump on the bandwagon to poke fun at those who are different. 13 years later I can tell you that is no longer true.

Today I can say that just getting the chance to know another person is a reward in itself. I only care what a person does to me directly. If you have something in your life that is different than mine, hey I get to learn something new. I get to learn a new way of life. To me that is excitement.

Now I state all this because it gives background to why the phone call was so important. My sibling was cursing me and expressing a desire to physically harm someone if he didn't get what he wanted. I never raised my voice, lost my cool, or returned the anger. I simply don't find that it is worth raising my blood pressure because someone other than me is having bad and wants to spread the misery. Misery loves company but I don't. :)

I have found that when the worst imaginable thing can happen happens, nothing else is a big deal. So, to my wife I thank you. Knowing you has not only made me want to be a better person, It has made me a better man.

The Dreams

I woke up in a panic state this morning and I know why. It happens often. It's because of the dreams.

My wife and I loved each other so much. We never had the troubles that I hear other people talk about having with their wife's or husbands. We didn't fight, we talked about everything and I do mean everything.

Well, I have these dreams that play out in detail anytime I start to think about finding a new mate. Last night I had a bad one. We were someplace I don't know and we were having one of our regular talk sessions when people kept coming in. Finally she told me she had been cheating on me. The people came there to help her tell me and move through it or, so it seemed.

She told me she had been sexual with this other person. Hints of it being with another woman were there. I kept begging to know why and if she was going to stay. I kept having to make people leave the area and they would enter again from another door. This room had more doors than I could count.

Well, all of this dreams have the same thing in common. I start begging her to come back, stay with me, tell me what I did to make her leave. Then I wake up in a panic. I have had 5 of these dreams since she died. Each one leaves me crying and wishing I would just go ahead and die.

One dream that I had about 5 months ago was really bad. I had taken my kids (I have 2 only one is still at home now) camping in the rv. I had one of these dreams but instead of me waking up before it ended, she got up to leave. I proceeded to run after her to keep her from leaving and to talk some more. The next thing I know I actually do wake up and I am outside the rv looking at the picnic table. My heart was beating so hard my chest hurt. The desire to walk off the over 20 foot cliff (It is blocked off) to the water below was strong. I had to sit outside in my underware for almost 15 mins.

God I need to talk to someone.

7 months 20 days.....

Why the title?

Well, its been exactly that long since the woman who I lived my life for died. It has been hard and my daughter is finally talking more about her mom. I no longer wear my wedding ring, her clothes have been packed up for 4 months and are still sitting in the same place I put them.

I had her creamated like she wanted but I can't bring myself to take her to the cemetary. I use the excuse that it is because I will be buried with her but the fact is that can still happen after she is buried.

The things I long for are endlist. Everyday I find myself picking up the cellphone to call her only to realize she won't answer. In fact that is part of the reason I have planned to shut down my telephone. I tell friends its because I am paying to much. The fact is, I don't like the pain I feel when I realize I'm lost without her.

I have moved into one of the other rooms in my home and painted the walls orange and black. There is no way she would have let me do that :). Her under clothes are still in the dresser and at times I go into my room, take them out, and still catch her scent in them. Even though they are clean they still hold her fragrance.

The other day I smelled some Oil of Olay stuff that smelled just like her. I never realized it was there. Now its painfully obvious.

I feel like my future is gone.

I have a 12 year old daughter that I am soley responsible for raising and I am scared that I will screw her up. I don't know anything about girls and I want so bad to raise her to be just half the woman her mother was. I pray to God he gives me the guidance to do this.

Speaking of God I have accused him, cursed him, and been so mad at him for what has happened. I feel guilty and ashamed after these feelings but they always come back. I hope I don't burn in hell for it.

At present I am making plans on saving all the money I can for the next 6 years. Why? Well again, I have a 12 year old daughter. My home is paid off in just about 20 months and my rv in around 43. Those are the only big bills I have left. I have decided that my only goal right now is to raise my daughter. I want to live until she is 18 and save all the money I can for her until then. Once she is leagally able to be on her own and not a ward of the state I don't care if I live or die.

I go to work. Not because I care or look forward to it anymore. It simply is a means to an end. It keeps me occupied until I have to rush home to get ready for the next day. Things I used to enjoy are nolonger fun. On the weekends, lets take today for an example (Saturday, I have been sitting in my livingroom for the past 12 hours. I make plans to do things and I just don't. I can't seem to move on.

I can't talk to anyone about it. I don't like to talk about my wife because when I talk to the only people who live close to me I get one of two responses. From my dad it is pretty much, "Well, you need to let it go and move on" and with my mom, she wants to tell me how my wifes passing has affected her and my dad. ALL I WANT IS SOMEONE TO LISTEN!!!! Don't judge. Don't give me feedback unless I ask. Just sit there, listen, and shut up. I'll get up and leave when I am done.

I have 2 friends that I can talk with at work but, one is going through a bad marriage and I feel bad if I mention it to her. The other is a guy that has really been there for me. The thing is I feel like I am talking too much. In fact I have noticed that I have been running on and on at the mouth when I am around my friends. Not about my wife but about bullsh!t. It seems that if I am not saying something when we are not busy I feel uncomfortable and just want to run and hide. In fact, I have ran to the bathroom just to hide.

Now that I read this back I realize I am lonely.

Well, I doubt that anyone is going to read any of this but if you do, thank you for listening.

I will post back again later for more of how being a widower has effected me.