Here we go again

I had another f'king dream. I just woke up after dreaming that we were at home and you would only talk to the kids. You acted like I wasn't even there. I kept wanting to beg you to stay with me and I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong. I ended up punching a whole in the wall.

When I woke up I went to find you. I was almost out the bedroom door when I realized reality.

I have a headache now and I feel like a balloon that is blown up beyond its capacity. My eyes hurt, my chest hurts.

Just remembered...

A few weeks ago I rode the motorcycle to "Thunder on the Beach" in Panama City Beach. I found that for a brief moment I was actually having fun. I was in a crowd of well over 100 people and yet I felt like everyone was staring at me yet, no one knew I was there.

I don't know why but I started to cry. I was able to control it enough to get back to my bike.

Where to start....or stop

It has been an intresesting past view months. I woke up this morning after having one %@!$@ of a dream.

We met up at someone's house and we started talking. The kids were still small and for some reason I didn't know where you were. After talking you told me you didn't actually love me like you had told me. I couldn't understand but ended up fighting with you. I eventually told you that since you were not with me any longer that I had no reason to stay and was going to move away.

When I woke up my chest was killing me and I was crying and trying to catch my breath. Rachel heard me and asked what I was laughing about. I was able to muster up a the ability to tell her nothing and to go back to bed. I lay there quietly and wiped my eyes.

What the hell does God want from me? Why won't this stop?

I'm tired of being tired all the time. I am tired of my chest (and the rest of me for that matter) hurting. I'm tired of being alone even in a room full of people. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the thrid wheel on a two wheel vehicle. I'm tired of everything. I know that I have a future but I don't see it. I want to prepare for the future but it's hard to prepare for something that you don't know is going to happen. I can't find anything to get excited (or happy) about. I'm tired of coming home and staring at the wall. I know I am doing it but I just can't get the drive up to do anything.

When ever someone does come around (usually when they want something) I get frustrated. I get pissed off a bit and just want to toss them out of the house.

I think if it wasn't for Rachel, I wouldn't stick around. I want away from this one way or another.