I woke up 20 mins. ago and I got up and started to go find you. I was wondering why you weren't in bed. It took a second to figure it out. I thought things were going okay but I just want to go somewhere and die. Rachel woke up when she heard me moving about. She asked what was wrong but I don't have the heart to tell her what is "wrong with you daddy". She is pretty good at telling when I am thinking of you.
She is looking more and more like you every single day. She is trying to act more and more like me everyday.
I want to take her out today but I also just want to go get plastered until I forget who I am. It's a good thing I have her here. I am so tired of living without you. There are times that I actually get excited when I think about, if I die I can go be back with you. It's funny. I feel like I did as a kid on Christmas day just before I opened my gifts then I realize how wrong I am and its back to sucking.
Today should be interesting. I miss having you to talk to. I miss having you to listen to my thoughts verbalized as part of my thinking process. I never realized until yesterday that part of my learning process is to talk it out. I did what I would do with you over the phone and evidently some people don't get it. I guess I'll have to withdraw from people at work and find a new way to learn. I don't know if I am pissed off at them or just finding a new way to let it out.
Well, I'm going to go now, I think I am about to stop crying.
I love you Jen. I'm working on you God.
