I've been watching a movie while wrapping Rachel's gifts tonight. I thought to myself how much at this moment I would be willing to give up my soul to have my wife and life back. It's a good thing I don't own my soul.
I have probably gone overboard on Christmas presents for Rachel. I put all her gifts together last week and was depressed that there were not more. I miss having gifts for all of my family. I have gone out and bought her more. I know that more gifts will not make up for her mother but I don't know what more I can do. I will probably go out and get even more tomorrow.
We usually put our tree up by the first week of December. Jen always took care of all things related to the holiday. I waited until just 3 days ago to put it up. Rachel asked when we could put up the tree and even offered to drag the 10 foot ladder to the house. I finally put it up and it was one of the hardest things this season to date.
I gave out presents to two co-workers that I currently consider my two best friends. When they opened them I felt like I had put them out or slighted them in some way. Perhaps it is because I consider them better friends than they do I. They have done nothing to make me feel this way but I fear that I am only friends with them because I don't have anyone else that I am close with. At times I feel like they are freindly with me only out of pity. Probably not true but my swiss cheese mind drives me nuts at times.
The only thing that keeps me going is the same thing that makes me want to let go. Rachel. I fear that I am going to screw her up and she will never be happy. I don't know how to raise a child much less a girl.
Then, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment