I went out to "Bikes on Broad" today with friends from work. Everything was okay but all of the sudden I felt so alone. I was among hundreds of people yet I was there all alone. I felt like I was a third wheel on a two wheel vehicle. I don't seem to feel like I fit in anywhere any longer.
I have a friend from work who I feel I have grown very close to. Ron seems to invite me to more things more often. I have been invited to his house on multiple occasions and always came up with an excuse not to go. I never have told him the truth, that is that I feel like I am in a pit and nobody can help me. Every weekend I spend it at home and end up staring at the walls. I don't know if he invites me out of pity or friendship. Either way, I wish there was a way I could tell him thankyou without sounding "needy".
Today I saw couples together and then all of the sudden a rush of despair ran over me. We were walking and looking at bikes when I just felt this extreme pressure to cry and I ran off to keep anyone from seeing me. I ended up getting something to eat and went to sit down on a large stone bench. Nobody seemed to notice me even though I was surrounded by all these people. One guy came within feet from me and was handing out leaflets to something he had going on. For some reason he decided not to approach me. Guess I'm not the picture of a biker. :)
Anyway, I am glad I was able to get out but I will be glad when this feeling of being all alone goes away. I get so self conscious around other people that I end up talking, talking, and talking about nothing at all. Then I notice when no one is paying attention. That just makes me feel more like a third wheel and I withdraw. At times like this I really miss my wife. It's like apart of me has been removed and I need it to live. She was my everything and now I am nothing.
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