The Dreams

I woke up in a panic state this morning and I know why. It happens often. It's because of the dreams.

My wife and I loved each other so much. We never had the troubles that I hear other people talk about having with their wife's or husbands. We didn't fight, we talked about everything and I do mean everything.

Well, I have these dreams that play out in detail anytime I start to think about finding a new mate. Last night I had a bad one. We were someplace I don't know and we were having one of our regular talk sessions when people kept coming in. Finally she told me she had been cheating on me. The people came there to help her tell me and move through it or, so it seemed.

She told me she had been sexual with this other person. Hints of it being with another woman were there. I kept begging to know why and if she was going to stay. I kept having to make people leave the area and they would enter again from another door. This room had more doors than I could count.

Well, all of this dreams have the same thing in common. I start begging her to come back, stay with me, tell me what I did to make her leave. Then I wake up in a panic. I have had 5 of these dreams since she died. Each one leaves me crying and wishing I would just go ahead and die.

One dream that I had about 5 months ago was really bad. I had taken my kids (I have 2 only one is still at home now) camping in the rv. I had one of these dreams but instead of me waking up before it ended, she got up to leave. I proceeded to run after her to keep her from leaving and to talk some more. The next thing I know I actually do wake up and I am outside the rv looking at the picnic table. My heart was beating so hard my chest hurt. The desire to walk off the over 20 foot cliff (It is blocked off) to the water below was strong. I had to sit outside in my underware for almost 15 mins.

God I need to talk to someone.