7 months 20 days.....

Why the title?

Well, its been exactly that long since the woman who I lived my life for died. It has been hard and my daughter is finally talking more about her mom. I no longer wear my wedding ring, her clothes have been packed up for 4 months and are still sitting in the same place I put them.

I had her creamated like she wanted but I can't bring myself to take her to the cemetary. I use the excuse that it is because I will be buried with her but the fact is that can still happen after she is buried.

The things I long for are endlist. Everyday I find myself picking up the cellphone to call her only to realize she won't answer. In fact that is part of the reason I have planned to shut down my telephone. I tell friends its because I am paying to much. The fact is, I don't like the pain I feel when I realize I'm lost without her.

I have moved into one of the other rooms in my home and painted the walls orange and black. There is no way she would have let me do that :). Her under clothes are still in the dresser and at times I go into my room, take them out, and still catch her scent in them. Even though they are clean they still hold her fragrance.

The other day I smelled some Oil of Olay stuff that smelled just like her. I never realized it was there. Now its painfully obvious.

I feel like my future is gone.

I have a 12 year old daughter that I am soley responsible for raising and I am scared that I will screw her up. I don't know anything about girls and I want so bad to raise her to be just half the woman her mother was. I pray to God he gives me the guidance to do this.

Speaking of God I have accused him, cursed him, and been so mad at him for what has happened. I feel guilty and ashamed after these feelings but they always come back. I hope I don't burn in hell for it.

At present I am making plans on saving all the money I can for the next 6 years. Why? Well again, I have a 12 year old daughter. My home is paid off in just about 20 months and my rv in around 43. Those are the only big bills I have left. I have decided that my only goal right now is to raise my daughter. I want to live until she is 18 and save all the money I can for her until then. Once she is leagally able to be on her own and not a ward of the state I don't care if I live or die.

I go to work. Not because I care or look forward to it anymore. It simply is a means to an end. It keeps me occupied until I have to rush home to get ready for the next day. Things I used to enjoy are nolonger fun. On the weekends, lets take today for an example (Saturday, I have been sitting in my livingroom for the past 12 hours. I make plans to do things and I just don't. I can't seem to move on.

I can't talk to anyone about it. I don't like to talk about my wife because when I talk to the only people who live close to me I get one of two responses. From my dad it is pretty much, "Well, you need to let it go and move on" and with my mom, she wants to tell me how my wifes passing has affected her and my dad. ALL I WANT IS SOMEONE TO LISTEN!!!! Don't judge. Don't give me feedback unless I ask. Just sit there, listen, and shut up. I'll get up and leave when I am done.

I have 2 friends that I can talk with at work but, one is going through a bad marriage and I feel bad if I mention it to her. The other is a guy that has really been there for me. The thing is I feel like I am talking too much. In fact I have noticed that I have been running on and on at the mouth when I am around my friends. Not about my wife but about bullsh!t. It seems that if I am not saying something when we are not busy I feel uncomfortable and just want to run and hide. In fact, I have ran to the bathroom just to hide.

Now that I read this back I realize I am lonely.

Well, I doubt that anyone is going to read any of this but if you do, thank you for listening.

I will post back again later for more of how being a widower has effected me.